I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
