I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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