he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
