Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
