I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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