He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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