my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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