about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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