eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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