shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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