ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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