Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
