You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
