Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
