Umm I'm too high to move.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
