I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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