i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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