Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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