I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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