Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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