so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
