I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
