he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
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