my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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