First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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