He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
