That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
