we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
