You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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