remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
