I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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