i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
