nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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