Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
