got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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