hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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