I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
