Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
