apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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