you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
