we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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