I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
