Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
