Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
vagina is talking i cant
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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