Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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