2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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