I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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