I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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