Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
