Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
