This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
